Guess Who's Back

After the disappointing experience several years back, I feel like I was vigilant against feeling like crap around this time of the year. Not to say that I don't feel like crap most of the year, but something about October adds that extra crap.

Several years ago, around this time, I was getting situated at a comfortable job. Surrounded by supportive friends, I was piecing my life back from the shambles that I put it when I neglected everything.

It started innocuously when I decided it was ok to miss a couple days of work. It was a couple days I cab always pick it back up. I didn't feel like being around people. I didn't care we had good time or healthy.

Couple of days turned into couple weeks. People became worried and my reaction to that was to run from them. And run I did. When I was fully confronted and didn't have a place to hide I did the least healthy thing and got in my car to drive. I drove to various places. I hit 66 and headed west. I ended up in Ohio and spent the night in my car.

Now I wish I can say I learned something or it was an enlightening experience. It wasn't. I watched South Park in a Panera parking lot in Ohio. The whole entire time I was hopinh for a stray boulder or slick conditions to end this in some tragic accident but that in it self was a cowardly hope for a death that was a page turn away from suicide.

So that ugly crap seeped back in. It visited right after a great visit to a friend's new place in Chesapeak, VA. I guess it was probably a week before that as certain things were noticed even before then.

I am thankful for everyone's concern and I can definitely say if it wasn't for those people then I may stay in that rut indefinitely. But to everyone don't take my rut personally. It is not against anyone or anything. I am not needing a break or need to get away. THE BIG THING durring this time is that I feel like shit. I feel like I am shit, my life is shit, waking up is shit, talking is shit, doing things is shit. I will tell everyone it does pass and when you guys care it passes by quicker.

I wish I can give you a reason why this is the case. I wish I could give some logical explanation to this but I really can't l. But I thank you for all the concerns. And I'm back for now.